Can I Cut This Off and Super Glue it to My Ass?
Updated: Jun 11
Let us just say, if it was not possible, I suppose I just made it possible. I did a solid week of working out every morning and eating ‘cleaner’ and I am looking at myself in the mirror today and thinking, ‘Damn I think I looked like a sexier burrito last week.’ Well, look at me over here, a real winner. I could just change the title to this blog to: 6 Months Pregnant!! And then I would get a bunch of ‘ohhs and ahhhs’ to make myself feel better. But I’m a bad ass woman, I’m owning this shitty burrito!
Seriously? This is me looking even more like a half eaten burrito than I was last week. WTF is this jazz all about?
I was planning on this week’s blog being filled with the cool awesome workout junk I did to win me some awesome progress pictures. Instead. I got this shit to work with. When they said your body changes when you hit your 30’s they weren’t kidding. The days of doing 300 sit ups and running a few miles and waking up one day looking like a f*cking super model are over for this gal. Looks like I am going to have to do a lot more than a few laps around the park to see any movement of this bloated looking monkey belly. Last week when I posted my first embarrassing blog I had one gal mention about her weight gain, saying that someone had asked her point-blank if she were pregnant…I laughed at her expense, of course…because it was funny. But imagine my surprise, today when looking in the mirror…I quite possibly may have asked myself the same question…”Are you pregnant?” the pictures do resemble each other just a smidge, I’m not going to lie.
Me, when I actually was 6 months pregnant. 11 years ago!
Do any of you do that thing when you are sitting on the toilet, or standing at the mirror and you grab your fat stomach from the left and right and squash it towards the middle…so your belly button looks like the black hole? Or possibly a mouth yelling out…’heeelllllooooo!’ I have been trying to see how many wrinkle crevices I can create with the different angles…is that weird? That is weird. I probably shouldn’t have said that…maybe I should delete. NO. I said more real, more vulnerable…so that’s what you are getting damn-it. Take it or leave it. By the way, for more awesome original material like this, be sure to subscribe to my blog…I will never cease to amaze you with my amazing amazingness….Ps. Click below for those of you that LOVE Seinfeld, he gets it.
So I will admit I did NOT go BALLS TO THE WALL – GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT this week. BUT I do have a good reason.
Ok, I don’t have good reason, but I have not worked out consistently in a REALLY long time. According to Mr. Goal Setter at LA Fitness I was 9 days short of being absent from the gym for an entire year. That tells you something. I wanted to start out slow. So for the past 7 days I woke up everyday, dropped my son off at school and went to the local park where they have fields for soccer/baseball/a pool/playgrounds ect. I walked a mile, did 50 squats, 100 side leg lifts (50 each side) and 100 jump ropes. I also attempted to do 5-10 really super lame push ups that looked more like I was trying to get it on with the grass…than actual exercise…although, I know it did give me some progress because I can’t lift my arm to pick my nose. Which is really starting to piss me off. Let us just say the push up experience was rather erotic, and I plan on revisiting that field again soon…if you know what I mean. *wink-wink* Then as soon as I got home I had a vegan protein shake with 4 bananas. The results, as you can see, are at about a -10 …so in conclusion, taking my advice may be detrimental to your success. Sorry to say. I would like to also mention the two horrible habits that I have adopted this past year, I did not stop doing this week, which is quite possibly the reason for my big FAIL.
First, I stay up way too late, usually till 2-3am and I EAT…not necessarily super bad food (because I do not keep super bad food in my house) but I was munching on everything from dried fruit (high sugar), watermelon (high sugar), homemade popcorn (salt/butter) and almond butter with apples. Now like I said…NOT super bad, but eating right before bed on a sedentary dimply (is that a word?) ass…probably not the best of choices. The second thing goes hand in hand with the first. Because I am staying up so late, I am only getting 5 hours of sleep, average per night. It is scientifically proven that not getting enough sleep can cause weight gain (according to Dr. Oz). So looks like I am going to have to make a few adjustments.
This week: I am committing to being in bed by 1am every night, no later. And I am committing to not eating any food past 11pm. I will stick to my tea and water when the clock ticks 11pm. I will keep with my same morning routine, as listed here, and we will see what happens! Where are my fat warriors BTW…any progress for any of you?!?
Lots of Love – Sabrina Victoria
Awesome things you may have missed on my other social media outlets:
I vlogged our beautiful Florida sunrise with my son! It is so gorgeous!
A few things I found amusing, that you probably don’t give two shits about, but you’re sitting on the toilet while reading this so you might as well check them out:
Be awesome today. Even if everyone else sucks.
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Do something awesome today.
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